Pray for my mum...

I never stared at my mum so closely like this weekend. If june 6th was the longest day for all the warriors in World Wall II, it was the longest weekend I ever spent. It’s my mum who recently encountered an unpredictable experience in Gui Zhou, south of China. Yet it was supposed to be a rejoiced getaway for my folks.

Aug 15th, 2009, my mum woke up early with numerous excitement towards this tour, she dressed up, took the early plane with my father, I vaguely heard them saying goodbye to me, then left the door shut behind them. I continued my sweet dream, indulging myself in a few days’ freedom without the nattering. I received a buzz in the middle of the day, a big laughter and my father’s husky voice from another end of the telephone undoubtedly revealed a beam of happiness they have acquired during the tour. My mum took over the phone, and reminded me of those trivial things like don’t forget the keys, lock the door after you leave, turn off the fans before you go etc. I was tortured by those cliché for 25 years, it didn’t bother me at all, instead, I kind of missed it this morning. After exchanging the greeting, I conveyed my best wishes to them; hopefully they would have a great and safe trip back home.

In the following day, I was with myself, cook, eat and wash, did everything what I relied my mum on, it was apparently easy for me, yet just somewhat troublesome. One day passed, I felt a slice of loneliness, especially in the night time. Fortunately I had dinner with some toastmasters friends on both Sat and Sun, I went straight to bed after coming back home. Somehow, I felt a little anxious with no particular reasons. Maybe because my folks didn’t call me like they did before, even they didn’t call, normally they would at least send me a message to say hi, but nothing this time.

Monday, it was ought to be the last day of their trip, I couldn’t stand waiting for their call, I sent a sms, distraughtly expecting to hear from them. The clock ticked away, but still no reply. I looked at my watch, it was already 22:00pm. I assumed that they might have been in the dream since they would also have an early flight in the following. I kept comforting myself, conversely, my panic level was stacking up like crazy. Even something ridiculous came across my mind: they had some accident…

Tuesday, my hunch played up badly. I couldn’t focus on work anymore, all my mind was fraught with negative shots. What happened to my parents? I kept calling my father, but his mobile phone was out of service, I felt even worse, desperately wanted to know where they were, what happened to them… a gust of regret traveled around my whole body. I should have left their guide’s telephone number, I should have called them last night, I should have asked what time their return flight was, it was too late at that moment. All I could do was keep calling…

At 15:45pm, I finally got hold of my father, whose voice was somehow unparalleled and worn out, he told me there was a big drama during the whole trip, they ended up in the hospital for 2 days. Almost stuck there… he said it was not the time to talk, he would elaborate after he came back. He then passed the phone to mum, I could feel the tremble out of my mum’s voice. She was under the weather. I almost burst into tears, but I know I was still in the office. I managed to oppress my emotion, but my heart had already been ready for home. I sorted out myself, waiting till the clock hit 17:30, I jumped out of my chair, grabbed my bag, switched off my pc, stormed out of the office and left a shaky door behind.

I arrived home shocked; my mum looked so pale that I could not even recognize her. She lost a lot of weight, half resting her eyes. When I walked in, she tried so hard to pretend that she was okay in front of me, however, her cold fragile hands had betrayed her. I kneed down beside her and whispered,” are you okay?” she nodded with a usual smile, her white teeth still glittering under the light. It was really hard to believe what she had been through during this couple of days, my father ran around like a lunatic, making all-out effort to rescue my mum from the devil of death, my mum, with her unswerving and strong willpower, she rode it over. On Thursday, my mum’s blood pressure ascended to 210 again, we couldn’t wait till Friday to take her to the hospital. After rounds of body check, all the syndromes were caused by her original disease – pheochromocytomas, which was not out of our surprise. The news was the cyst roared in my mum’s stomach after all the turbulence during the trip. Now my mum couldn’t do anything heavy, even sitting without leaning could get her blood pressure volatile. Tomorrow my father will take her to see the doctor again, who told us there is another alternative way to cure this disease, worth of a try. I pray for my mum, may her conquer this barrier in the life, my faith and love were all with her!! God bless…

A little pretext for being away for a while

Dont think I have abandoned my blog though I haven't donated any articles for quite a while. In each stage of my life, it appears to be different focus, no matter if it is for life, work, or study, there is always something... this time, for my study.

It's hard to get what you want, yet it's more difficult to give up what you have. Whenever you try to make some decision yourself, people around you might either encourage or pull you back, which in the end throw you into an ambiguous whirlpool. In this case, each decision you make has neither right nor wrong, whereas affecting your future life for long. This is what I have experienced over the last 7 months, hovering between each twist and turn…

By the end of last week, because my boss was away for holiday due to the Christmas when she goes back to Australia to celebrate with her family every year, I had more disposable time to play with, started to think of my future after reading many motivation, success philosophical books and articles, perhaps, perhaps it was the time that God kindly allocated to me for a detailed self-review, as well as seriously asking myself what I should do to make my life a bit different. At that time, I also came across a saying that impressed me dearly, ”Write something worth of reading, do something worth of writing…” we were born to be different, however, 80% of people amazingly had the same life experiences: birth, go to kindergarten, primary school, middle school, high school, university, graduate, find a job, work as a clerk in a big fancy office, start to date, get engaged, get married, give a birth, raise kid(s), grow older, retired, death… it seems to be an ideal curve to summarize an average person’s life. This is also the life my parents want me to follow, simple, peaceful, and happy… I don’t deny they are wrong at this point, some of them really enjoy what they get, and never want to redirect their curve whatsoever. Nevertheless, this curve might not be applicable to me since I have already experienced the turbulence in my first 25 years; my belief is my next 25 years won’t be predictable as what the curve reveals. Life is a bet, but it’s a much milder bet which doesn’t hurt you financially as 40 percent of our time is going to be undoubtedly devoted to your work, your company, and your business. Only 20% of time is for study. Study on the other hand is to help you to make more money. NO LOSS. I’m a big gambler for a start, when I worked out who I should be in my 30s, I walked backwards, calculated what I should do every year to achieve the goal I hold for a long period, it’s really the time for me to go back to university, finish what I am supposed to finish 6 years ago. 2009- the year for a real change.

After I decide to apply for the university in Australia, instead of receiving all the blessing, I was being scolded to be a fool by making such a brutal mistake. Thinking about what you have now, you have got a good job, good boss; you can travel in Australia twice a year. Moreover, your family is with you, you don't need to worry about anything; your life is beamed with happiness and delight. Why should you make such a foolish decision? Another negative version was: Think in a big picture, Joy, Australia has no future, a country riding on the sheep, the total population equals to Shanghai’s, besides, so many Chinese have already dominated the market, less opportunities for new comers like you… some were even more practical:” does your company pay off your tuition fees? Unless the company finances my education, or Harvard or MIT gave me the offer, I wouldn’t give up what I have now. In another word, it’s a silly decision…” facing to an array of criticism, none of the normal person would wonder again if it’s really a rational decision, am I responsible for myself? Then the phrase “What if” started to sneak into the mind, did all kinds of dream damage as it could. Never underestimate these killing phrases, your dream, your faith, and your life might be crashed into ashes by such unnoticeable phrases, which repeatedly occurred in your mind. It’s a hurdle which blocked my way, it’s a tiger which intended to scare you away… being stalling, I used to reconsider many times, as I didn’t want to make any irrational decision that made me ever feel regret in the future. Life is too short to be regretted, too short to be wasted either. Going back to square one, I traced back to the threads of my dreams: I will go to Australia to finish my master degree, I will travel as extensively as I can, I want to meet my people, I want to be an independent marketing consultant, I want to do more things for the needy, I want to live as myself for my beloved Ben. I kept reminding myself of these missions, which was deemed to be completed in one day, like Osho used to say, “ life is a gift, if you change the arrangement, the total amount still remains the same, why don’t I make my life more vivid in this limited time?